At the time I did not realize it was rape. I was 19. It was the night of a Halloween party. I drank two bottles of cheap wine and was chatting with one of my friends. I think I sat on his lap at one point. He asked me to come home with him to try his vaporizer. We walked to his place. We smoked a lot of weed. I remember asking him if I could sleep in his bed because I didn’t think I’d be able to get home. I trusted him. I was on my period. When we were lying in bed I think I kissed him. I don’t remember very much else other than going to the bathroom to take my tampon out. I did not want to have sex with him. When I woke up there was a condom wrapper on the floor and I was naked. He made me pancakes and coffee and I had to sit there and eat the food he made, knowing he’d had sex with me. I couldn’t remember it happening, I still can’t- I was too drunk or high to have said yes. This happened three and a half years ago. I know, logically, that I shouldn’t blame myself. Asking to have a sleepover with someone does not insinuate sex. Being that drunk meant I was not sober enough to even consent. But I still feel like if I had just gotten a taxi home then it never would have happened. It is devastating and the few people I have told don’t understand why it was so devastating… to them it sounds like a one night stand. Because I don’t remember it and because it wasn’t violent people have a hard time viewing it as rape. I wish they believed me.